I'm feeling uncharacteristically warm and fuzzy tonight. And it's not the flannel PJ's either.....even tho it is mighty chilly outside today! Rainy, cold and just plain icky! I am hoping my Internet connection will hold out til I finish this post......who am i kidding? LOL.... As long winded as I am....it'll never happen!!
There is something about the holidays, that for me, typically triggers a deep depression. I get overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. The cleaning, cooking, the cost of everything....ugh! And I always feel a deep sense of loss around the holidays. I try so hard to have a Norman Rockwell type of holiday gathering but it never happens. It's usually more like Micheal Myer's in Halloween....the Rob Zombie version at that.......lol.
My family is not close. And not just in terms of location. I had a rotten childhood. Grew up with a mentally abusive mother and an alcoholic father. After my father left and it was just my mom and I....well, things got worse. Part of it I'm sure was because I was going thru the typical teenage rebellion. The more my mother tried to rein me in the wilder I got. The more she punished me, ridiculed me, hit me.....the more I just didn't care. I learned to turn my emotions off and just operate on auto pilot.
Now that I'm older with kids of my own I can see that she had a lot of the same stress I have now. And maybe, just maybe...... she was doing the best she could at the time.
So growing up I didn't have any brothers or sisters, cousins, grandparents.....nothing. My mother doesn't get along with her family so I was kept from knowing them. Never met my grandparents, only a couple of my aunts or uncles and one cousin. So I have always felt a bit odd around the holidays because it feels like its a time for family. And I didn't have that. Which is why I have a huge family of my own...I love my 5 boys to pieces!!!
This year tho I just can't ignore the many blessings in my life....and the chances for new beginnings! Through the magic of facebook I found one of my cousins.....from there I started searching and 2 more....possibly 3 more popped up :) Cousins I never even knew I had!! We have shared a few messages back and forth and I am so excited to be learning about my family! Of course I am nervous too....because when you go poking around there is always a chance you will unearth some skeletons that will be like salt in an open wound. But I have decided that knowing and dealing with whatever comes my way is way better than not knowing where I come from. After all, whatever bad blood there is between my mother and her sisters has nothing to do with me and my newly found cousins......we all agreed on that and we all agreed to stay in touch and really get to know one another!!!
So this year I am so thankful for the chance to fill that empty spot that has always been there!
And today Bob also went to the wound center....last week they were talking surgery again......this week the Dr says he can't believe how improved it is over 7 days!!! So for now....no surgery!!! And if things continue this way, next week he will go back on the wound vac and from there he should be healed by the end of the year!! So Praise God for his goodness there because I know he is the ONLY one that can pull off a miracle like that!!!
This year I am also thankful to have him with us......there were times this past year when I was certain he wouldn't make it.
I'm thankful for kids that have never given me any real problems. And that we have such an awesome relationship.....I don't know what I'd do without them!
I'm thankful for my bloggie buddies!! Ya'll give me a place to vent, share, and create......Karen mentioned some people being soul suckers the other day.......I loved that term because there are some people who just wear you out to be around them......they just suck the life right out of you.......and then there are soul fillers :) these people are positive influence on your life and your spirit and love you no matter what......and that is what my blog friends are to me....each and everyone of you are my soul fillers and I love you all for it!!
I'm thankful for so much more but I am starting to cry and am afraid I will short circuit my keyboard......LOL.
One more thing......I am thankful that my Internet connection held out long enough to finish this.......lol :)
Over and out!